The issue of warring couples destroying the childhood of their kids has caught the attention of the Supreme Court in a recent case. The couple was before the Court on the contention where their children should study. The apex court warned that ego clashes between husband and wife would destroy childhood of their kids. Mental health experts and marriage counsellors have endorsed the top court's observation saying break-up is hard for children. Many children carry the battle scars of divorce well into adulthood.
 

Anju Grover for Indian Currents spoke to Psychologist & Counsellor Dr Sanju Gambhir to understand the implications of such incidents on the overall growth and development of children. Dr Gambhir, who works with Primus Hospital in Delhi, said that couples fighting in front of their kids or otherwise have probably emerged as the primary reason for mental health problems in kids. She added that ego clashes between husband and wife can adversely affect the bond between their kids while they exasperate each other through endless litigation. 

According to Dr. Gambhir, kids of divorced parents often withdraw socially and go into depression. There is a lot of self-pity, she said and suggested how to split up without emotionally destroying their kids in the long term. She pointed out infidelity, education, financial status and baggage of broken family among the probable reasons for divorce. Besides kids, even siblings of warring husband and wife suffer a lot. 

Q: The Supreme Court has cautioned warring couples against destroying the childhood of their kids. Your views? 
A: When parents go for divorce, it is their children who suffer the most for multiple reasons. These children suffer emotionally, psychologically, socially and financially as they feel insecure and unsafe. They become a confused lot. Scientifically, it has been proven that stress can badly affect nervous system of a child in the womb of pregnant woman. These changes can be seen in six months old infants. As a result, some children become cranky or turn rebellious, feel unloved or develop sleep disorder. Since children cannot see things in perspective, they end up blaming themselves for all fights between parents. 

Q: Why should they blame themselves?
A: Children are always self-focused and hence see everything in black and white and  start despising themselves. Arguments can sometimes strengthen bond, but at the same time parents themselves should know how to resolve their conflicts. 
It is fine to move apart as living in a toxic relationship is too stressful for parents and their wards. Moving away will bring peace in and around the family. The first year of moving apart is generally taxing for parents and their children who tend to lose focus on studies. 
Unfortunately, many parents attempt to communicate through their children or involve them in arguments. They want the child to be loyal to them. This causes undue emotional stress on them and forces them to negotiate a situation for their parents. 

Q: Do teenagers or older children get affected by divorced parents or parents who are seeking divorce?
A: It happens with kids of all age groups. There is an insecurity in a child no matter which age group he/she is from, if his/her parents fight or get divorced. For instance, teenagers like to feel in control, and divorce turns their world upside down. Teenagers are more conscious about themselves and they carry an added burden of shame for divorced parents. So, they end up withdrawing from the society and start living in a shell. Some become rebellious. 
The sad thing is that fighting parents indulge in bad-mouthing each other in front of a child due to ego clash. As a result, respect for a parent starts diminishing. The impact can be seen in later years when the child grows up and gets married. He/she misbehaves with his/her spouse believing it is right.

Q: Does conflict in marriage badly affect mental health of the child regardless of the age-group?
A: Yes. whatever a child sees or hears in his/her foundation years (0 - 6 years, i.e day of conceiving to 6 years), he/she absorbs and behaves in a similar way throughout his/her life believing that this is the right way of living life. If a child hears parents shouting or screaming, then he/she would behave in a similar way. 

Q: What are the probable reasons for the rise in divorce cases?
A: There are multiple reasons for the rise in divorce cases in India. People are becoming financially more independent. Nobody wants an advice from the partner because of the feeling that they are competent enough to deal with situations. Also, they might have seen as kids their parents fighting or arguing. That has a major impact on them.
It is seen that a number of children of divorced parents are getting divorced in later years. If one sibling is divorced, the chances of other siblings getting divorced are high. So, there is a pattern. The brain understands the language of images, so you end up marrying a person you don't want to. Negative thoughts create an image of a person who you invariably get attracted towards and marry. 

Q: Is it correct to say that most love marriages end in divorce?
A: It is not true. Divorce cases are found in both love and arranged marriages. Every child deals with divorce issue in a different way. Some children might become very vocal, others might be too emotional and silent. There are others who might be too confused or might stop talking. Then parents have to deal with them. 
It is seen that both divorced mothers and fathers are unable to gain the trust of their children in such situation. These children often become hostile towards their divorced parents in initial period. Mostly, it has been that fathers are less nurturing so they are more likely to drift away with time. This does not happen in all cases. 

Q:  Have marriages been hugely affected due to COVID-19 pandemic? 
A:  The pandemic had both positive and negative effect on marriages. Few families managed to strengthen the bond as people spent time with partners and kids. The warmth and closeness in such families increased. But there were also families which got split due to ego clash. 

Q: What is your advice for couples having ego clashes or constant fights or going for divorce? 
A: Fighting couples should take the help of elders of the family. If the relationship becomes toxic then they should go to marriage counsellors for help. Divorce should be the last option. If they go for divorce, then they should know how to cope with daily chores in life.