Dear People of India, clap, shout and rejoice! We are delighted to soon offer you a brand-new Vice President.

Yes, carefully selected, polished, and packaged, this is the model you've been waiting for: one who will sit, smile, nod—and most importantly, keep silent when asked uncomfortable questions.

Dear People, do you remember the old Vice President? Lovely chap—till he suddenly became… not so lovely. Somewhere along the way, he developed a dangerous infection: independent thinking. He nearly began speaking his mind, and soon would have been dropping words like "truth," "justice," and "fairness." How reckless that would have been for you!

Naturally, we had to put him out to pasture.

But worry not, dear citizens. This new one, whom we will soon select and elect, is completely house-trained. We've run all the tests. He comes with three guaranteed features:

Silent Mode – for when you ask about jobs, inflation, or inequality.

Smile-and-Stare Mode – for when the opposition shouts about fraud and cheating.

Adjourn Mode – for when Parliament or judges look dangerously alive.

And you, dear people, are again, as you so rightly insist, going to foot the bill for his palace of a bungalow, a motorcade longer than your ration queues, and enough taxpayer-funded money for his or her trips abroad —all so that your Vice President can live in style and give you… (yawn) nothing but silence.

And silence is what you really want, isn't it? A Vice President who won't disturb your WhatsApp forwards with irritating facts. One who won't trouble your evenings with inconvenient truths. A man or woman whose voice we have removed, whose thoughts we have conditioned, and whose mind—ah, we've folded it neatly and stored it away for safekeeping.

Think of him as a luxury appliance. You pay for him, but don't expect him to do anything. He won't even make toast. At best, he'll just sit there humming silently like a broken fridge.

And what a relief that will be for you! When you cry out for justice, he won't argue—he'll be silent. When you plead for fairness, he won't disappoint you—he'll remain silent.

And when the Constitution whimpers in the corner, he'll be there too—silently adjusting his tie or dhoti and waiting for his chauffeur.

So, clap your hands, dear people, for the grand unveiling. Forget those noisy, unpredictable leaders of the past. With this Vice President, you get predictability itself—because silence never surprises. Even Alexa and Siri talk back. But here is one who won't risk such rebellion.

We offer you, proudly and without hesitation, a Vice President tailor-made for the times. Silent as a statue, smooth as a puppet, soft as velvet silence itself.

And remember, dear citizens—you're paying for his silence.

And silence, we promise you, is exactly what you'll get, because silent is what you have become...