Today is International Women's Day.

Across the world, women celebrate freedom. Hard-won freedom. The right to vote. The right to work. The right to choose their partners. The right to equal pay. The right to stand up and say, "Excuse us, gentlemen, kindly step aside, we also live on this planet."

It took decades, nay, centuries. Marches. Movements. Court battles. Angry speeches. Brave women who refused to sit quietly in the corner while men discussed their futures like they were items on a restaurant menu.

And here in India, we also celebrate. But with our own unique innovation. We celebrate Women in Cages. Yes, while the rest of the world is busy breaking cages, we have become enthusiastic manufacturers of them.

Every few months, a shiny new cage arrives in Parliament. Sometimes it is labelled Love Jihad. Sometimes it is honour. Sometimes it is protection. The label keeps changing, but the design remains exactly the same. A solid steel cage with a smiling man standing outside holding the key.

"Madam," he says kindly, "this is for your safety."

Indian men are extremely safety-conscious. We are so concerned about women's safety that we have decided the safest place for them is inside a cage designed entirely by us.

Inside the cage, we offer a range of facilities. There is the Parental Approval Window. The Community Monitoring System. And, of course, the Emergency Moral Police Service, which arrives immediately whenever a woman is seen making her own decision.

After all, decision-making is a very dangerous activity. Imagine the chaos if women suddenly started choosing whom to marry, where to work, what to wear, or what to think.

Civilisation might collapse before the evening news.

So on Women's Day, we proudly look at the cages we have constructed. Inside them, women walk around carefully, adjusting to the bars. And we clap loudly. "Look how well protected they are!" we say to each other.

Meanwhile, the rest of the world is busy celebrating women breaking glass ceilings. Here we are polishing iron bars.

And then comes the most touching moment. We approach the cage with great ceremony and pass a few symbolic crumbs through the bars. A speech. A slogan. A hashtag. "Happy Women's Day!" we announce generously.

The woman inside the cage looks at us, holding the crumb of celebration in her hand, while the bars remain firmly in place.

But perhaps one day she will look at the cage, look at the man holding the key, and quietly say something that men have feared for centuries. "Thank you for the concern. Now kindly step aside."

Because when that day arrives, Women's Day in India will finally stop sounding like a zoo announcement, and start sounding like freedom ...